When I had hair and Ru had shorter whiskers.

If you have known me for more than an hour you know I have a cat. His name is Rufus and he has a plethora of nicknames to allow for proper cooing. (Ru, Rufacus Spartacus Maximus, Rufakisses, Little Ru, Cat-Dog, Ru-poo-poo-pee-doo-woo, Rufie, Ru-fers etc. etc. etc…I have no shame.)

Rufacus Spartacus Maximus

The fierce roar of Ru.

Jay has adopted him as his own and helped me seek out a little Thai Ru that would not replace Rufus but act as a tangible comfort until we got the true Ru to Bangkok.

Little Thai Ru the Tangible.

In the meantime, my sweet Momma (who has graciously been caring for him state side) has been consistently uploading photos of Rufus to facebook for me in his own special album named appropriately and simply, “Rufus.” This album has made my day as much as it has made me miss the little fur ball. It has acted as a motivator more than anything else (sad but true) for me to get a job so, that money can be saved up to bring Ru to Bangkok.

Whiskered Glory.

Now, this is not to say that if Ru did not exist I would have no motivation to get a job. HA! I am itching to get a job. I have had my mini-meltdowns as my life at the moment is marked by washing machine cycles, cleaning our apartment and re-reading while I await my teacher certification to arrive in the mail.

I loathe snail mail. Haven’t we ventured beyond this? Why do I romanticize postcards and vintage stamps…they literally suck…the life out of me. I have no patience for such things that could be done within five minutes on the Internet. Ridiculous.

Though not as ridiculous as this. Future Christmas card prepare yourself Jay!

I am stir crazy yet all I can do is wait. I am in a waiting place and it is not quite what I thought it would be. I feel unfulfilled and I feel useless.

The lone sock.

When I worked (seems so long ago yet it’s only been 2 months) and took vacations it was a comfort to know that once I was done relaxing I would have a place to go to for eight hours a day once more. Not having that place after a two-month break means there is no comfort to the monotonous joblessness I find myself in. I find no purpose. I have held some kind of job since I was 10 years old be it babysitting or working in customer service. The lack of productivity in my day-to-day life at the moment is eating away at my brain and it’s starting to eat at my heart.

When you can feel yourself sinking into a slump and/or a depression of sorts you know it’s a good thing. To feel yourself sinking means you can still feel and that you are not numb.

I still care enough to try to get out of this slump/depression. I still want to fight the urge to curl up in a mass (I cannot curl up into a ball) and mentally die from lack of productivity. I was not made to be still except for small intervals (meaning a day). Even my vacations were punctuated with activities that kept me busy but here I am in my waiting place. All I can do is wait and trust that God (thank God) has a plan. He knows my heart that longs for work beyond the confines of the apartment. He knows this and so, I wait. My hands seemly tied because I have submitted every form needed thus far and made every contact that I could, thus far.

Now, I wait.

I wait…

…and I wait…

…and I wait some more.

It is not a lovely experience and it is not an enjoyable experience.

It is an experience that has made me understand unemployment to be hell on earth. (I could be more dramatic. Tis possible I promise.)

I do believe unemployment is right there with traitors beyond the Giant’s Well in the very depths of the inferno.

So, my motivation to get a job (outside of pining for Ru) is to get out of hell. A hell that is made mentally and thus begins to consume you wholly. (Proven…even more dramatic.)

So, I wait and I fight and I pray.

There goes another day. (HA! I am a poet and I didn’t even know it!)

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE (I did just yell at you via caps lock)…here is another adorable picture of Ru my sweet orange tabby.

First day home. First photo at home. Le bebe Ru.